Louply's Thoughts

Something that's followed me all my life just because I don't follow normal social expectations of a guy my age. Not only am I chronically anti social and awkward, it's just not something particularly on my mind. I am constantly judged and assumed to be 'gay' by family members either directly or not just because I've never had a girlfriend. Am I gay? No. But the assumptions constantly kind of do get on my nerves, especially because it's followed me for so long. It creates a very weird and unwanted type of attention from people around me that when I do show interest, especially around my parent it's just overwhelming and not something I care to participate with. I've had to vehemently defend myself constantly my entire life just due to something I don't seek or care to seek. Do I wish I had a partner? yeah. Who doesn't want to be loved and love back, human nature. Do I care to have that in my life right now, not particularly. Unfortunately for me it's also not something I'll ever seek out in my life purposefully either. Likely out of my anxiety but dating culture, dating apps, meeting for the first time. All of these things I do not like. I've always wanted to meet someone genuinely, my idea of genuinely is very skewed and unrealistic though. Probably formed from movies and social media. I definitely don't want to meet someone through the internet or date through it. But I sit inside or when I am out I don't socialize so it's just never something that'll come across me in life. Like usual I'm alright with that, I've come to terms with a lot of these things and it's not something to be sad about reading for me or me myself to be sad over. I understand in societal norms it's kind of sad that a 21 year old male has never held hands or kissed a woman before but I don't know. It doesn't bother me I suppose, It's never happen and not something I'm seeking out for on purpose so I guess I don't really worry about. I don't mind talking about it though.. don't even get my started on relationships and 'sex'. I understand it's just human pleasure and a reproduction tool but I am pretty uninterested in that too. Maybe I'm too chronically online but I feel like people are so gunho about that in relationships. I'm far too awkward and anti social to even think about doing any of that with another person LOL. Yeah I don't really want to do that with anyone. I'd prefer to know someone and just be more than friends emotionally. I've explored the thought I'm just asexual, I obviously have thoughts about it but it's not something I want to do with anyone. Not sure if that falls under the same umbrella. I guess my point is that I just prefer emotional attachment over physical contact. I really don't like modern culture and being a 'man' is to be associating with women. It does make me feel less like a guy when it's all anyone talks about and is something I don't do or have an interest in and everyone is constantly asking why. I wish I knew how to explain what's going on in my head because I know it's interesting but putting it down on text and explaining what I want to say is really difficult. I'm always and constantly thinking but putting it in words or through text is always a challenge. At any rate it just really bothers me when I know in the back of anyone's mind around me is constantly judging me for these things in my family.

Never know where to start... like a lot of things in my life, always just moving the motions and going about my daily life. I started this mostly to just have a place to share my photo's and interests but I do feel like this is a nice place of animosity to get away from the real burdens of 'social' life generally around the internet these days. Just somewhere to type without having to worry who's following me on social media or what someone else will think about it. Which is probably my biggest burden in life. Can't say I have a hard life, ok promising career and always told my 'head is on my shoulders'. Nothing for me to really complain about, my life is mundane, boring, and I'm always content. Nothing to be mad about and nothing to think about other than what the next day brings. I'm just an average typical 21 year old guy doing what anyone else my age is doing, I suppose.. at least that's how I think of it. I don't really have friends, I have great friends online I talk to all the time but I don't really know anyone in real life and I know a lot of people are in the same boat, nothing new with me. I think a big part of this is my social anxiety, it's really bad. I find it ruins almost every potential I have with meeting people. The only way I've ever made 'friends' in real life is through forced proximity. Nothing feels genuine to me, I'm always stuck on meeting people genuinely but it never does. I get very bad moments where my heart is pounding and I get flustered and just feel generally very overwhelmed. Which is annoying for me because on the 'outside' I don't feel anything wrong and I don't 'think' of anything to be stressing me out, it feels like an instinct I don't have any control over. I don't know how to explain it well. If you know what I mean you get it. Feels lonely though, yeah I have my online friends and their great but it only goes so far. I just sit at my computer and listen to music and I guess, work at this too now. I've been trying to get into photography to get myself outside but I find my social anxiety ruins it too. I don't like to go outside and be seen let alone with a camera in hand minding my business. If I do go outside it's usually around 12-1pm at the day's hottest when there's normally only a couple people down the trails I walk. It really bothers me because when I want to wake up and go early the trail is just clogged with runners and walkers and if I go to late in the day people are home going out for jogs. You know, I was talking the trash out yesterday night and I saw some people my age walking down the road and I ended up going inside and watching out the window waiting for them to pass before I took the next trash can down. It's annoying how self aware I am because I feel bad for myself. If you know my career you'd be shocked to hear I act like this and I know. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I was at the mall the other day with my sibling and I was approached by two people asking me questions about the store I was in and I was just.. really distant and kinda shut them out. Things like this happen all the time and it's very bothersome to me. I hate my mundane life but it's the most peace I have. When I sit in my room at my computer it's the best I ever feel, I have a car, I can go anywhere I want and meet all kinds of people. Do I? No. If I try to leave the house by myself I'm usually pacing all over the place for a while before I go. I usually end up not going if I have a plan to be somewhere. I'd probably not make a very good real life friend, I know I'm an enjoyable person to be around when I know people but I feel like I'd be a burden to someone in real life if I was their friend. I'd be too worried to go anywhere and just end up always canceling or I'd be stressed out too much to actually enjoy hanging out with that person. I'm always thinking of friendships I could be having in real life, fake situations and fake people. Sometimes I think of being friends with real people I've seen at the mall or in public. Which is nice, keeps my mind occupied. Some people look nice and interesting, will I ever approach them? no. Part of me is okay with that. 21 and probably haven't had an actual real life friend since grade school. Been fine my whole life and I'm, content. A lot of me doesn't really seek friendship too. Don't drink, don't smoke, don't do anything illegal, never am anywhere without my parent knowing. Real boring life. Not like I want to do any of those things, don't really have an interest in anything like that. Like I've brought up I'm quite okay just sitting in my room doing nothing at my computer typing this up listening to my music all alone, except a little part of me.